My Magic Cure
What if I told you that I had one nearly magical solution to most of your problems?? What if I could give you one tip that would solve most every conflict with your partner and help your kids when they’re losing it?? It could also give you more confidence and less negative thinking spirals. What if this same solution could also help you cut back on your substance use and even kick some unhelpful sugar eating habits?? This same antidote also has the potential to keep people out of prison and decrease the severity of abuse in abusive households. And actually, on a generational level, it can decrease the chances of your children having cancer, heart disease, and other chronic illnesses.
If you’re half as skeptical as I am, you’re probably rolling your eyes at me right now and I don’t blame you. Most things that sound too good to be true are. And, I’m not saying this cure is easy. In fact, it takes great dedication, self reflection, and discipline. But, after a decade in this field and much longer mastering this skill myself, I can confidently say that it does have those life changing effects.
Here it is: emotional regulation.
Now, I know it may not seem as powerful as I’m describing it to be. But, here are the some scientific facts around emotional regulation:
Emotional regulation increases confidence over time in both kids and parents
Emotional regulation, over a time period of at least six months, boosts test scores in children
Emotional dysregulation has a direct correlation with interrupted sleeping patterns
Emotional regulation decreases both anxiety and depression symptoms
Emotional regulation is an integral part of addiction recovery
Adverse Childhood Experiences* slow down brain development, making it more difficult to learn how to emotionally regulate
The presence of Adverse Childhood Experiences* leads to many chronic diseases
Women who are more likely to avoid their genuine emotional reactions are also at a 97% higher rate of finding breast lumps throughout their life and a 70% higher rate of those lumps being cancerous. Women: Read that one again.
Men who have lower EQ’s are more likely to experience heart and stomach disease.
So, clearly emotional regulation is important, but what is emotional regulation? Scientifically speaking, emotional regulation is when the amygdala (your brain's alarm system) and your prefrontal cortex (the part of your brain that doesn’t fully develop until ~25 years old; the voice of reason) have a strong connection to each other. The amygdala can ring its bells and say, “he did it again!! Your partner said that thing that feels dangerous” to your prefrontal cortex and it can respond with, “I know he did, that’s annoying but it’s not an emergency. We’re ok.” If your prefrontal cortex isn’t working properly, it’s nearly impossible for it to act as a barrier to the dysregulation your amygdala may be encouraging (believe it or not, the amygdala is incredibly helpful - it just overreacts at times!). So, in a nutshell, scientific emotional regulation is when our prefrontal cortex, which is at the front of our brains, has an easy pathway to send its voice of reason back to the amygdala, which is located deep in our brain, towards the back.
Here’s the other thing though: chronic stress can shrink your prefrontal cortex over time. This is why someone who has severe PTSD symptoms is unable to differentiate in the moment if what they’re experiencing is an actual emergency or a trigger - their amygdala is holding most all of the power. Or, this is why when your parents regularly yelled at you as a kid, your prefrontal cortex goes offline when your kid is upset and you find yourself yelling, just like your parents did. Similarly, it’s why your brain automatically craves sugar or alcohol or <insert vice of choice here> when you’ve had a rough day; once again, your prefrontal cortex isn’t able to communicate its voice of reason back to the amygdala when it rings its alarm bells.
Ok, that’s a lot of science! If you’ve made it this far, hats off to you. Let’s get into what emotional regulation practically looks like - how can we train our prefrontal cortex to respond to the amygdala with its voice of reason? Based off of research and personal experience, here’s what I know to be true about emotional regulation:
Emotional regulation can be either a solitary skill or you can co-regulate with someone (I feel incredibly regulated when my partner is sleeping next to me as opposed to the rare occasion when we are apart - my therapist says this is because I’m a co-regulator!)
Children are naturally co-regulators given they don’t have a fully developed prefrontal cortex. This is why when your kid is losing it, probably the only way for them to calm down is if you pick them up and rock them silently (clearly not, not speaking from experience here!)
There are thousands of ways to regulate - exercising, journaling, and meditating are some of the most popular ones.
Anything that includes bilateral stimulation is a nearly instant regulator (walking, listening to beats in different ear buds, swimming, and dancing to name a few)
Talk therapy is a cornerstone of emotional regulation
Learning to communicate your feelings effectively (which should be one of the many benefits of talk therapy) can be a massive tool for emotional regulation
Perhaps most importantly - there is no one perfect strategy when it comes to emotional regulation. “Good enough” is what we’re aiming for!
So yes, while I am a skeptic when it comes to most things, I have learned both through personal and professional experience, that we cannot mess around when it comes to emotional regulation. The science backs me up with this and it becomes more and more true with each passing study I read. If this feels overwhelming to you, I encourage you to start here: go to therapy and ask about emotional regulation. Let a professional guide you to reflect in ways you need to improve your emotional regulation. Emotional regulation isn’t a destination but is instead a life-long journey; one that has the power to quite literally add years to your life.
*To learn more about Adverse Childhood Experiences, go to https://chesterstreetfoundation.org/